40 Days

40 days I've been a mama to Eli. I've only been apart from him for two hours and that was because I made Rob make me leave him...just to prove that I could. Emily and I went to Target and I couldn't wait to get home (so many crying kids in that store, it was killing me)! I'm back to work very soon and know that I am going to have some separation anxiety. Eli will be fine and I will too - in time. Human beings are adaptable and I know that I will adapt - just like how I am now used to waking up thoughout the middle of the night...I will get used to our apart time. He will be in the hands of the best possible caregivers (our moms and our sis-in-law) - people that love him, people that he will love. I understand that Eli is not just for Rob and I and I'm happy to share so that he may be a blessing to others lives and they'll certainly be a blessing to his! I'm so thankful for this precious stretch of time that he and I have had together.

A New Song

Psalm 40:3 "He put a new song in my mouth."
August 22nd was the 4 year anniversary of baby Faith. Gosh, 4 years! I did not honor her coming and going the way I normally would. I didn't purchase anything new for the garden. I didn't write a poem and post it on my blog. I did, of course, think about her and gave thanks for how far this 4 years has brought us. I remembered that when I wrote about Faith last year (on her day) I ended with this, "I really just want to release it all. Like a butterfly that I've been holding tightly in the palm of my hand, I want to open my hand and let her fly."
I think I was truly able to do that. To let go. Letting go did not mean forgetting. Letting go released her (completely) to the Lord. Letting go made room for a blessing...the one I'm holding as I type this (it's a little tricky to blog with a baby in your arms, but I'm a mama now and we make do)!
Yesterday, we received Eli's social security card in the mail. I was quite excited about that especially because I always love seeing his name! When I saw the issued date, I knew it was a God moment just for me...August 22nd. Faith's "lift off to heaven" date stamped right there on Eli's card. There are those times in life where you just know, with complete certainty, that all is exactly as it should be. Praise God for a new song!!!

Happy Bear

During my pregnancy Rob would ask regularly, "How's mama bear doing?" I loved being called mama bear. In fact, when thinking about what I hoped Eli would call me someday it was always mama. Not momma, but mama. So, naturally when Eli came along I had to call him baby bear...which turned into bear after a few days of being home. I keep a daily log of feeding times, how many times he poops and pees, when he takes naps, how he slept the night before, etc. When he takes naps I write sleepy bear and when he is up and alert I write awake bear. His nickname has taken on a life of its own! It makes the tracking fun for me. My niece Alyssa even made up a song to sing when he is upset..."He's a happy happy bear, he's a happy happy bear, whose a happy happy bear? He's a happy happy bear." She takes his stuffed bear animal that Aunt Margie got for him (in honor of my name for him) and she makes it dance as she sings the song to him. He LOVES this. He always stops crying. I think it's her sweet little kid voice because I've sang him that very song and the magic is lost!!!
Rob told me that Eli's going to think his name is Bear for as much as I call him that ; )

You're Gonna Miss This

Being home with Eli has been the most special time in my life. Before I became pregnant with him, the Lord had me on an important journey in discovering Him. During that time, I learned something enormous and that is this ... only God can fill the empty places in your life. Only God can fill the empty spaces in your heart. I did not "need" a baby to fill something. I wanted a baby to add something. Because I was paying attention to my lessons along the way, by the time I became pregnant with Eli, I felt whole within myself. Yes, I wanted a baby...yes, I desired to be a mama. But, there is no pressure on Eli to make me whole. It is not his job to fill my cup...that is my own work to do. Being Eli's mama is amazing because he's adding so much joy to our life. What I know about our son, so far: -he has my chin and daddy's lips, he has daddy's eyelashes, but I think his eyes are on their way to brown - like mine. He smiles often, but he's also quite serious. He loves to stare at a lamp in a dark room - he's in complete awe. According to our pediatrician, babies at this stage like contrast! He dislikes being in a dirty diaper and he gets hangry (hungry/angry)like mama! He likes his pacifier sometimes, but enjoys his fingers and thumb more...daddy's not so happy about this, he sees dollar signs (a.k.a braces). Doesn't bother me, I sucked my thumb til' I was 9 (true story)...and yes, I had braces :) He loves movement...always falls asleep in the car, stroller or swing! Rob has actually taken him on a car ride at 1 a.m to put him to sleep during one of those rough nights! He also loves white noise like his daddy and mama. It's easy for me to get myself ready with him - the sound of the shower, the fan in the bathroom, the blowdryer ... these are comforting sounds to him. He likes tummy time and I believe will be rolling over way ahead of schedule. He is a very determined little fella'! He also likes his activity mat. He hits and pulls at the animals and likes to kick them with his feet - too! He loves being sang to. Rob and I both have a talent of making up songs on the fly (we do not have the talent of actually having a nice singing voice). I wish some of them had been recorded, they were actually quite impressive! My dad always made up songs and sang them (badly) when we were young - clearly I got this gift from him. Eli makes a lot of cute little noises. Rob is such a light sleeper that these cute noises actually wake him up...he might not find them so cute in the middle of the night! :) He finally likes bathtime! He used to scream at the top of his lungs during this time, but now he is quiet and happy. I always save the baths for Rob so that we can do it together, it's such a special time. Plus, much easier with 4 hands! I am so grateful for Eli. I'm so content. Holding him, rocking him, looking at him, playing with him...even changing his diaper! I love all the moments. I know this time will pass by and I'll never get it back. My intention that I set for myself is to enjoy each interaction with him. It sure makes the middle of the night a lot easier to get through! I'm so beyond thrilled to be his mama! It's added a new and glorious dimension to our life. It's better than I could have ever imagined. He truly is a gift, one to be opened with each new day. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

The Heart of a Mother

I decided to breastfeed Eli, long before he was born, for the same reason that I prayed to give birth naturally (meaning no c-section). God created a woman's body to do amazing work and I wanted to honor that as much as possible. I know this doesn't always pan out for every woman, I am thankful that it has for me. I've given birth naturally two times now. One with a devastating outcome and the other with a perfect outcome. Isn't that just like life...you take the good, you take the bad -you take them both and there you have. Life. It's just this way. To accept this. To surrender to this, I have learned is the key to having joy in your life while the storms are raging. One of our very dear clients (an awe inspiring Christian woman, a ball of energy, the most wonderfully positive person you ever want to meet) whom I've known my entire life (my mom was her mom's hairdresser) just lost her 16 year old son to a very brave fight against cancer right after I had Eli. He was just diagnosed with Lymphoma in January of this year. His body was responding well to the treatment (this particular type of cancer has high success rates with treatment) ... and then it wasn't. Everyone was shocked! He was a healthy, active boy. How does this happen? WHY does this happen? I sobbed while rocking my new baby. Looking at him, thinking about his future and how it will all unveil. While I was still in the hospital with Eli I had a talk with God. I was so emotional because when I gave birth to our son, my heart was blown wide open. Oh, to have the heart of a mother. I told Him that I was giving my son over to Him. That I would not carry the worry myself. That I could not or I would go insane. Giving my son to the Lord does not mean that he will have a long and fruitful life. This reminds me of Sarah and Abraham in the bible...how Sarah struggled to have a child and it took many, many years for her to have their son Isaac. And, then the Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. After all that!!! After it took SO long to receive that child? But, Abraham eventually did. And, The Lord did not take Isaac. But, I think about how he could have. I cannot stay attached to how I think Eli's life should or will go. We will give him our absolute best. We will love him unconditionally, we will teach him, we will guide him, we will pray for him, I will tell him all about God (SO many personal stories), I will tell him how so many people prayed for him to be born. We will give him the best environment possible. But, ultimately his life is in God's hands. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

Eli's Birth Story

Eli Mitchell born July 21st, 2012 @ 9:34am 6 lbs 4 oz 20 1/2 inches... and just like that I'm a mama. August 6th was my actual due date - but, Eli decided to show up on the scene early(37 1/2 wks)...so I am well into mamahood already! On Friday, July 20th Rob and I took Emily to Red Lobster (her choice) for her birthday dinner. Her birthday is the 21st, but we had her Friday night to Saturday morning as she had plans on her special day! We had the best time. The food was so good (I had a lobster pizza appetizer AND coconut shrimp with mashed potatoes). We were joking a lot about Eli's butt. Talking about how big it must be ... he was moving it a lot during dinner. Looking back on it now, I think Eli wanted to come out early to defend himself :) More often than not when we go out to dinner, Rob and I feel that we're held hostage by the check (this was either a Seinfeld episode...or would have made a great Seinfeld episode). It's like where did the waitress go when we're ready to leave? Did she go home? Is she outside in a car making out with her boyfriend? Seriously, we even ask for the check and they don't come back for the longest time...so annoying. While we were waiting (patiently) for our check to arrive, we were joking about how we should pretend like my water broke and just dine and dash. We would never do that, but it was fun to talk about and it made the time go by as we waited. Rob, Emily and I have talked about this dinner quite a few times since Eli was born. It was like everything led to what happened later that night... Then, we came home from dinner. I had made Emily a heart shaped cake (she loves when I do this). We decided to bring it next door to my parents (it was late, like 8:45pm) so they could help us eat it...plus, more fun for Emily to have more people singing Happy Birthday to her besides her Dad and I. My brother and CJ were there - too. We ate the cake (yum!) and then I heard someone coming thru the front door. For some reason it scared me...I thought some random person was walking into their house. It was Alyssa being dropped off by her Grandpa Jim. Everyone was making fun of me because I got so scared ... they told Alyssa that she was going to scare the Eli out of me!!! Less than 5 mns later, I start picking up the plates off of the table and I feel a gush. I said, "I think my water broke." I started running to the bathroom and it just kept coming...I yelled, "My water broke!". Everyone got up and was running around, all excited. Rob, Emily and Alyssa went next door to get my things. Honestly, it was a perfect situation to be surrounded by family like that. I think they enjoyed it : ) While I was in the bathroom, waiting for Rob to come and get me, I couldn't help but think about how when I go home next it would be with a baby! And, then I was thinking about how I wouldn't see my dogs for a few days and that made me sad. It was such a moment - a little moment - of realizing how life as I knew it would be forever changed. I knew Eli wouldn't be born that night...there was only 3 hrs left to that day and I know babies don't normally come that fast. I told Emily that I was sorry her brother was a birthday thief...he would definitely be born on her birthday! She didn't mind. What are the odds?! Of all days! This is not unusual in my family...I was born on my Dad's birthday and Alyssa was born on my mom's birthday. Got to the hospital and was still only dilated at 2cm. The nurse said if I didn't dilate more by 4am that they were going to induce the labor. At 4am, they did just that. At 5am the contractions started. From 5am-8am I was pretty miserable. At 8am, a nurse came in to do the epidural. This takes awhile and it takes about 30mn to kick in after it's all set. After they did the epidural my contractions got worse. They were surprised that I wasn't feeling the effects of the epidural. I told them that everything got worse since they installed it. The nurse checked me again and I was dilated to a 6. They said it would be awhile longer and they left the room. Right after they left the room, I told Rob that it feels like Eli is ready to come out. I told him that I know my body and my body wants to push the baby out. I made him go get the nurse. She checked me again and was shocked to discover that I was fully dilated and that my body was indeed ready to eject Eli out. Ha! She told me that I was not to push, the Dr. wasn't there yet and she'd get in trouble if I started pushing. She told me to breathe through those contractions. Let me just add how HARD it is to not push when your body really, really wants to push! My Dr. was not on call that weekend. So the Dr. whose weekend it was, came running down the hall yelling, "Don't Push, I'll be right there!). He was Korean and funny and honestly the perfect person to deliver in that moment. The good news about the epidural not kicking in was that I could feel exactly when I needed to push. When thinking about delivering Eli (before I was in that situation) I was always worried about the getting him out part, not the contractions. Actually, it was the opposite for me once I was actually in labor...the contractions were tough, really tough - but, the delivering was not so bad. I got Eli out in two good strong pushes. I couldn't believe it when they told me he was out. I'm all like..."for real, he's out?!" And, "is he ok, are all his parts there?" Silly, silly me! And, then they gave him to me. And, it was all so amazing. I kept thanking the Dr. and the nurses. Thanking them that those darn contractions were over, thanking them that my baby was (finally) safely in my arms. What a journey! What a blessing baby Eli is. We kept him with us that day and through the night. The nurses taught me how to breastfeed. Sunday morning he was circumsised (by same Dr.) and we went home that afternoon! So much to say about being home with Eli, but this post is his birth story - so, we'll leave it at this for now! I decided to start this new blog not because I am "over" Faith, not because Eli being here has bumped her importance to my life/our life. But, because God gave me a new chapter. Thank you, Lord, for this complete and perfect gift.