The Heart of a Mother

I decided to breastfeed Eli, long before he was born, for the same reason that I prayed to give birth naturally (meaning no c-section). God created a woman's body to do amazing work and I wanted to honor that as much as possible. I know this doesn't always pan out for every woman, I am thankful that it has for me. I've given birth naturally two times now. One with a devastating outcome and the other with a perfect outcome. Isn't that just like life...you take the good, you take the bad -you take them both and there you have. Life. It's just this way. To accept this. To surrender to this, I have learned is the key to having joy in your life while the storms are raging. One of our very dear clients (an awe inspiring Christian woman, a ball of energy, the most wonderfully positive person you ever want to meet) whom I've known my entire life (my mom was her mom's hairdresser) just lost her 16 year old son to a very brave fight against cancer right after I had Eli. He was just diagnosed with Lymphoma in January of this year. His body was responding well to the treatment (this particular type of cancer has high success rates with treatment) ... and then it wasn't. Everyone was shocked! He was a healthy, active boy. How does this happen? WHY does this happen? I sobbed while rocking my new baby. Looking at him, thinking about his future and how it will all unveil. While I was still in the hospital with Eli I had a talk with God. I was so emotional because when I gave birth to our son, my heart was blown wide open. Oh, to have the heart of a mother. I told Him that I was giving my son over to Him. That I would not carry the worry myself. That I could not or I would go insane. Giving my son to the Lord does not mean that he will have a long and fruitful life. This reminds me of Sarah and Abraham in the bible...how Sarah struggled to have a child and it took many, many years for her to have their son Isaac. And, then the Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. After all that!!! After it took SO long to receive that child? But, Abraham eventually did. And, The Lord did not take Isaac. But, I think about how he could have. I cannot stay attached to how I think Eli's life should or will go. We will give him our absolute best. We will love him unconditionally, we will teach him, we will guide him, we will pray for him, I will tell him all about God (SO many personal stories), I will tell him how so many people prayed for him to be born. We will give him the best environment possible. But, ultimately his life is in God's hands. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."